I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Lmao
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….