Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.