I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?