I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
i- i did not expect this
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.