I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…