I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb