Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.