I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER