Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”