i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Huge, if true.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”