i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My dog learned how to text
when you order from DoorDastardly
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.