i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
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One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
those birds must be on payroll
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.