Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.