I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.