My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?
*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*
Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity