@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

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@ChicksRule

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

@timdonakowski

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

@ShootyDoody

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@davidkenny100

*Text

I’m on my way

Kurt Cobain: take your time

Ok cool

Hurry up

Er… sorry

The choice is yours

Oh! Ok

Don’t be late

Ffs dude!

@thenatewolf

Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?

*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*

Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone

@Izianikapani

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity