@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

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@dixoterin

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

@danteshepherd

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

@JurassicPark2go

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

@GlennyRodge

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

@flamingo_poet

I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”

@UnFitz

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”344496860775460864″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”122″;s:5:”tweet”;s:106:”I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ValeeGrrl

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED