I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.


{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart


[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone


WALMART is giving out FREE school supplies to anyone who can outrun security.


“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”


Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no


Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.


Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.


Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test

Me: so you mean…

Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply


I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.