I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I have never related to a cat more
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.