I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.