Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

logging onto twitter…

They did not miss in the small print

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.