I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.