I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Cinematography is my passion
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
New Tinder profile.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”