Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

🙁

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.