Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

a McRib killed my tapeworm

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.