[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa