“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.
Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.
Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?
[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]
Me: We have a rat problem.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”
They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”