@SamuelHLowe

I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.

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@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@CaniacMONK

I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.

@GreenishDuck

Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.

@gruffybeard

Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

@Fred_Delicious

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”