9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes