I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
ready to be harvested
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account