I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family