@AndyHerald

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

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@FaisalAdam_

I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”

@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

@Ygrene

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@Dawn_M_

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.