I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.