I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

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I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”


It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.


Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.


[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree


3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.


Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.