God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.
[3 pandemics later]
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.