I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin