I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
