Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*