Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

Grew big

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Always.

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Answers phone, makes modem noises…