Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Bruh 😂

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

😂😂

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?