Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

This took me a second..

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

marvel comics have peaked

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are