Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Donkey Kong sommelier

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?