I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.