@marcmack

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

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@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@DaddyJew

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

@realHamOnWry

Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.

@omotomilola

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@Holy_Mowgli

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

@BigJDubz

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense