Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

Basically.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Meowchelangelo

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.