Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

what do you want

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it