I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
no!! no!!!!!!
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*