Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.