Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Yeah. This was me today.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.