I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
when dads have a rap battle
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Investing in beetcoin
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.