I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?