I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
S O O N
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…