Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it