I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me