I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
“You drive, I’m tired.”
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.