Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I wish I could veto my bills.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.