Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.