Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

So, can we agree on 4 or

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Natural selection at its finest

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.