I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.