I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
synchronized noseblowing
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If my kids invented a drink.
Oh, I bet you would be
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.