I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*orders delivery*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days