I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Bless you
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.