Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Cndnsd Mlk

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!