Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.