I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]