Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

😂💯

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Can confirm.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?