I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that