Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.