Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Friends that check up on you >

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Please do it!

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*