@supnugget

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

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@UncleDuke1969

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

@Darlainky

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@shwebby2

If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

@BoogTweets

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

@BrandyLJensen

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

@AudreyPorne

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

@Conchvegas1

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles