I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Thank you corporation very cool
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!