@supnugget

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

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@john_vavra

WOMAN: pls help, theres a man outside terrorizing me

911: haha aww that just means he likes you

MURDERER (at window): HEY SHUT UP I DO NOT

@onion_an

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

@lawyerthoughts

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.

@c12h22o11balls

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@Tmoney68

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.