WOMAN: pls help, theres a man outside terrorizing me
911: haha aww that just means he likes you
MURDERER (at window): HEY SHUT UP I DO NOT
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.