@UncleDuke1969
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
@supnugget
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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@UncleDuke1969
@Darlainky
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
@Marlebean
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
@StephenAtHome
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
@Mr_Kapowski
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
@shwebby2
If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German
You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!
@BoogTweets
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
@BrandyLJensen
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
@AudreyPorne
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
@Conchvegas1
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles