Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Seals are just dog mermaids.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I fixed it. For me