I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
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There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
weddings should have a worst man
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Why soy sad?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi