I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.