I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
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soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.