I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Best spoiler warning ever
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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