Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.