I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The news is so predictable nowadays
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.