I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
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The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Proctologist = Analyst
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.