I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
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St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
This could be us… but you playing
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.