I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
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It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
