Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”