Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.