I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
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In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen