I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.