I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
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bears
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.