I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
wut hotdog?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
dream blunt rotation
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*