I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
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Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.