Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?