Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Oh no

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.